NEW YORK — Local man Conor McLaughlin took to the internet yesterday to find a low-cost, DIY hack to help him his fix an issue with his phone, which has only led to more problems with the phone, his apartment, and his perceptions of reality, according to concerned sources.
“Who the hell came up with this crap,” the 35-year-old exclaimed angrily. “This one page suggested that by hollowing out a watermelon and putting my phone in it, I could help cool it off. The psychedelic high it produced was beyond anything I’ve experienced and I’m pretty sure I heard the voice of God, but now my phone is stuck in the watermelon and I’m pretty sure it’s still fucking overheating. There’s no possible way any of this nonsense ever worked for anyone!”
Creators of the life hack responded to McLaughlin’s criticism by stating their videos are based only on their own personal experiences, noting the disclaimers indicating there are no guarantees their suggestions will work and that they hold no responsibility for any resulting fallout.
“While I’m sorry my hacks didn’t work for him, every situation is different — they can’t all be a ‘using a hand steamer and two peach pits to create a DIY hotspot’ situation, unfortunately,” said content creator Chris Morrison. “Judging by the watermelon incident, I suspect the problem may not be the phone. At the very least, it’s not that expensive to take it to the Genius bar and have them look at it, for Christ’s sake.”
McLaughlin, who was working out of a café as his neighborhood had been quarantined by the CDC following his latest lifehack attempt, was not convinced.
“I’m not calling for more regulation of the internet, but there has to be some accountability for these content creators,” McLaughlin remarked. “I surely cannot have been the first person to nearly violate the Geneva Convention by trying ‘10 Simple Solutions to Fix Your Phone in Under 20 Seconds.’”
At press time, McLaughlin was chasing his phone down the street, as spreading peanut butter on it caused it to sprout legs and attack random people.