MECHANICSVILLE, Va. — Local sous chef Timothy Devino tried to cheer up his potentially depressed girlfriend Jordan Meyer yesterday by serving her breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the bed she can’t bring herself to get out of, sources familiar with the couple report.
“I hoped bedside eggs Benedict might start her day on the right foot, but she muttered something about Benedict being a ‘traitor’ and rolled away from me to face the wall. Clearly, she wasn’t a fan of hollandaise, so I whipped her up some New England clam chowder for lunch… and when that didn’t work, I grilled a 14 oz. ribeye smothered in a raspberry reduction for dinner,” said Devino, putting the finishing touches on an Ombre Rosette Cake. “My presentation has always been mediocre, but I think she’ll perk up if I can just improve my plating a bit. Right?”
Although Meyer has repeatedly rebuffed Devino’s attempts to provide her sustenance, she allegedly hasn’t gone hungry.
“Will scrumptious clam chowder give me a single reason to not just ghost my stupid barista job until they fire me?” asked Meyer, scraping a spoon along the bottom of a gallon of Breyer’s Vanilla Caramel Gelato Indulgences ice cream. “No. Not even the perfect ratio of potatoes, water, clam juice, bouillon, pepper, cream, and thyme will bring any tangible purpose to my pointless, dead-end life.”
While Devino prepares and serves each dish of his own volition, stemming from genuine care for his girlfriend, not all relationship experts agree with his approach.
“Look, she doesn’t need unconditional love from her boyfriend or others in her life she’s close to,” said self-proclaimed “love guru” Hannah Madsen. “All she needs is to run a few laps on the treadmill… or honestly, just suck it up and get over it. Also, she should definitely not eat any cupcakes. God, I’d stab you in the taint for a cupcake right now.”
As of press time, Devino was preparing some Parisian-style popcorn for Meyer to enjoy while watching “Donnie Darko” for the seventh time since Thursday.