SPANISH FORT, Ala. — Millennial Thomas Cervantes proudly stated today that he’s old enough to remember when MTV still played “Room Raiders” and other reality shows on which the network was “originally built” before becoming “the totally different garbage dump” it is today, shocked slightly older sources confirmed.
“Jeez, they don’t make TV like that anymore — ‘Next,’ ‘Room Raiders,’ ‘Parental Control’ — shows from back when MTV still stood for something. But now instead of the amazing shows I remember, like ‘Jersey Shore’ and ‘Real World/Road Rules Challenge,’ it’s shallow crap like ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ and ‘The Challenge,’” said Cervantes. “Without revealing my exact age, let me just say I’m old enough to also remember when MTV2 actually still played music videos. Yep, I’m that old.”
53-year-old coworker Traci Hamilton was surprised by Cervantes’s complaints.
“As a Gen Xer, I always thought hating MTV was our thing — ‘Music Television’ hasn’t been recognizable to me since 1995. So, I was especially surprised to hear a Millennial being nostalgic for that early 2000s crap,” said Hamilton. “Thomas doesn’t seem to realize the channel used to be just music: I kept pressing him to tell me what the “m” in MTV stood for, and he admitted he assumed it was a “My Super Sweet Sixteen” reference.”
MTV executive Simon Webster is very familiar with the complaints of former viewers like Cervantes.
“Frankly, we agree it’s time for MTV to get back to its roots. Not music, obviously. I mean, MTV’s roots circa 2001: confining horny teens to vans while other horny teens raid their rooms for semen stains and dildos,” said Webster. “At some point, MTV strayed too far from it’s path. But the fact is, horny teens are why I got into the TV business in the first place. Hell, American television was built on the backs of horny teens.”
Currently, Cervantes is being treated for a mild heart episode brought on by the realization that TLC, the basic cable network he remembered from childhood once known as “The Learning Channel,” is now home to such thought-provoking programs as “90 Day Fiance,” “My 600 Pound Life,” and “Sex Sent Me to the ER.”