SIOUX CITY, Iowa. — Local man Derrick Carney was mercilessly beaten within an inch of his life last night not long after learning that police officer Marcus Brady does not read comic books despite having a “Punisher” skull tattoo, sources accusing Carney of being a “Soros plant” confirmed.
“You might say I’m optimistic to a fault, but I don’t like to generalize any group of people, even cops,” Carney said through his wired shut jaw. “When I saw Ofc. Brady’s tattoo, I asked him if he ever read Garth Ennis’s run on ‘Punisher Max.’ That’s when the baton whacks started. I tried to reason with him and told him, ‘This isn’t a very Frank Castle thing to do,’ but he just screamed, ‘Who the fuck is that?’ and turned off his body cam.”
Ofc. Brady defended his ink despite a lack of “Punisher” knowledge.
“Derrrrrrr, skull man cool. Officer Brady Saw skull man movie once. Skull was good, so officer Brady get skull drawing. Now I skull man,” explained the decorated officer, who graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. “Skull man hurt bad people, like police. Is skull man police? No. But skull man good. So police good.”
Ofc. Brady then defecated in his pants and issued everyone within 50 feet a citation for “embarrassing an officer by taking a shit in his pants.”
Police union representative Courtney Houghton commented on police fascination with the logo.
“Yes, I’m well aware that many police officers have adopted the ‘Punisher’ iconography, and I know that Marvel has scolded law enforcement for it in interviews. Let me just say this to Marvel: consider yourself lucky most cops consider reading ‘pussy shit’ and wouldn’t be caught dead doing it. Otherwise, they’d be pissed,” said Houghton. “And by the way, I used to read ‘Punisher’ back in the day before he was an anti-hero, when he was a violent, sociopathic villain who was never held accountable for his actions. Tell me that doesn’t sound exactly like the average cop?”
More recently, some officers are getting tattoos of the Marvel character “Red Skull,” insisting that they just think the skull looks cool and that it has nothing to do with Red Skull being a literal Nazi.