SUMMERVILLE, S.C. — Local man Aaron Metcalfe is hoping today that one of the apparently hundreds of horny MILFs in his area advertised on PornHub could teach him how to iron a shirt.
“Sex is great and all, but I’ve got a job interview tomorrow, and all my shirts look like they’ve been balled up in a plastic bag in the back of my closet… mainly because I don’t have any clothes hangers, and I keep my clothes balled up in bags in the back of my closet,” explained Metcalfe. “And my parents are pretty useless when it comes to these sort of vital life skills. But I always see these popup ads featuring older women begging for sex, and since all of them seem to be so happy their husbands are dead, they likely have plenty of free time to teach a young guy like me a thing or two.”
Reprobate and “Horny MILF” advertiser Dom Barlow was surprised by Metcalfe’s request.
“God, this guy is so pathetic. Does he not realize the ‘horny MILFs’ is just me trying to scam him out of credit card info? And even if there really were MILFs, why does he think an older woman who uses PornHub to declare to the world that she ‘just wants to fuck’ is the best source for learning how to sew or whatever,” said Barlow. “I may be a scumbag who preys on horny idiots, but even I felt bad, so I catfished him so I could explain how to iron a dress shirt, meal plan, and do laundry without shrinking anything.”
However, some, including self-described MILF and professional cam girl Mimi Cottrell, say requests like Metcalfe’s are increasingly common.
“I don’t know if there’s something oedipal about young men turning to porn to learn things their mothers should’ve taught them, but as long as the tokens keep flowing, I’m willing to help,” said Cottrell. “The first time it happened, I was fellating a double-sided dildo when a guy asked how to balance a checkbook. After realizing he wasn’t referring to some new kinky sex act, I pulled the butt plug out of my dumper and got to work. I earned more that day than I did my whole first month.”
Metcalfe is reportedly also desperately searching for a “Horny DILFs in My Area” ad in the hopes that someone can teach him how to tie a tie.