ANAHEIM, Calif. — Yesterday’s funeral program for recently deceased Nathan Rivard was the most fun his friends have had since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, mourners report.
“Honestly, I didn’t even really want to go to the funeral because I always thought Nathan was a fucking knob, but I realized it would probably the first, and for all I know, last time I could see my friends for ages,” noted friend Jake Kershaw. “I knew I made the right decision when I was standing over the casket and Nathan’s brother pointed out that Nathan’s face looked like he had to take a massive dump. It’s a good thing I cry when I laugh really hard; otherwise I’d have looked like a total dickhead. The whole thing ended up being a blast — it was old friends from college, his coworkers, and even some relatives sharing stories about how much we thought he sucked.”
Rivard’s Immediate family were pleasantly surprised by the turn-out, even with the jovial mood of the attendees.
“We were very worried about that given the pandemic, and also our suspicion that people didn’t like Nathan much, that maybe nobody would show up,” remarked the deceased’s mother, Mary. “He could be difficult sometimes, and we were often concerned that he had no friends… even I struggled to tolerate him sometimes. But, seeing all of these well-wishers share stories about him warms my heart. They seemed to be laughing an awful lot and kept talking about ‘keeping the party going,’ but I guess everyone grieves differently.”
Funeral director Bob Cherry noted that using funerals as an excuse to see old friends is not uncommon.
“These days, I think anyone is just looking for an excuse to get out of the house, so we’ve seen a lot of these funerals with packed houses even if nobody liked the deceased much,” stated Cherry as he shoved Rivard’s naked corpse in the furnace. “This fucking guy, though, seemed like a complete knob — he had a tattoo on his stomach that read ‘Sobriety Test’ with an arrow pointing down to his pens. Grow up, idiot. I will say this, though: everyone who came out tonight drank like the world was ending tomorrow, so maybe I’ll have some more funerals to add to my calendar soon.”
Rivard’s urn was eventually tossed in the trash by a janitor after nobody claimed it.