AVIGNON, FRANCE — A team of archeologists announced Monday the discovery of an array of prehistoric cave paintings in southern France, which they claim provide definitive proof that early humans were into some truly nasty shit.
“The sheer depravity of these paintings forces us to reassess everything we thought we knew about how horny our Stone Age ancestors were,” said lead researcher Olivia Chen. “Whereas it was once believed that early humans were no more perverted than the average primate, we now have evidence showing that the very first tools they used were, in fact, buttplugs, and that edging was heavily practiced among nearly everyone.”
While many sexologists have argued the kinkiest era in human history either took place during the Roman Empire or the 1970s, the discovery of these paintings cast doubt on the veracity of these claims.
“We must seriously consider the possibility that ancient humans reached the pinnacle of sexual depravity thousands of years before your grandparents did LSD while naked and covered in mud at Woodstock,” said Portland-based sexologist Amelia Poole. “It’s depressing to realize that we will never be as sexually free as this group of cave dwellers who evidently threw raucous orgies inside of wooly mammoth carcasses, which, speaking of it, may have been the first ever sex hotel in recorded history.”
The findings also shed light on how early humans interacted with one of their closest relatives: Neanderthals.
“It’s long been established that homo sapiens bred with Neanderthals, but until now we never knew just how freaky things got,” said Paul Booker, head of the Department of Anthropology at Stanford University. “It’s possible that Neanderthals went extinct in part due to the frequent interspecies bukkakes depicted on these walls, as a result of breath play gone seriously wrong, or simply due to an overabundance of fake doms just ruining shit for everyone.”
At press time, Pornhub had released a new category featuring depictions of the artworks, labeled “Hardcore Ancient.”