GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local punk Hazel Mason ate her entire three-day supply of weed earlier today while standing in line to enter The Fest, trying…
Dear Scabby: My boyfriend is a total shithead. Habitual liar and addicted to pain killers. The problem is we’re both starving artists and I need…
CONCORD, Calif. — A local punk teenager resisted becoming “a vessel for consumerist propaganda” today by immediately covering the logo on her brand-new Jansport backpack…
WASHINGTON — The National Rifle Association demanded today fewer restrictions surrounding the purchase and use of U.S. senators, in response to growing calls across the…
LOS ANGELES — A mysterious pair of sunglasses discovered by local crust punk and drifter Rick “Zilch” Toombs allegedly allow him to see which punks…
SANDUSKY, Ohio — Sandusky resident Brent Farrett, well-known for his racism-free skeleton, was flabbergasted yesterday by his diagnosis of “acute degenerative brain racism,” sources close…
BLOOMFIELD, Iowa — A rally for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is entering its fourth hour of delay while event organizers scramble to find a…
NAPLES, Fla. — A dinner party last night was left in tatters after an anti-vaccination activist and 9/11 truther used the event as a forum…
WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Punk bassist Becca Roberts defended her decision today to use a plectrum for the clitoral stimulation of her girlfriend, despite pressure…
Oh boy, look who just walked in. Who does this douchebag think he is? I hate when assholes from out of town come through here…
BISBEE, Ariz. — An “emergency” episode of the conspiracy theory-themed podcast Overacity Radio speculated about a direct correlation between the mysterious death of alleged pedophiliac…
CLEVELAND — Lonely divorcée Gary Funk was caressed last night for the first time in years by venue security at Wednesday night’s Stone Temple Pilots…
Hi I tried to click on the Google Document you sent to me over email with the invite for the family picnic and it just…
NORWELL, Mass. — Animal, the eccentric drummer of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, signed a lucrative endorsement deal today agreeing to only eat Zildjian…
COVINGTON, Ky. — Magick shop owner and obvious goth Maryanne “Luna” Hobbes couldn’t decide this morning how many corsets to pack for an upcoming family…