SAN FRANCISCO — 38-year-old father and successful business owner Vince Martinez is still, despite all sound logic and reason, nostalgic for the absolute shittiest years…
TITTY CITY — Female Body Inspector Benjamin Travis Dover was fired this morning following several recent disciplinary incidents, forcing him to turn in his gun…
Yes, America has modern day concentration camps that hold migrant children in cages of their own filth. But we also understand that a new season…
BOSTON — A legendary and possibly mythical mosher was allegedly spotted last night enjoying a four-course French meal in the pit a hardcore show without…
EL PASO, Texas — An agent with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement was indignant today after once again being compared to a member of the…
Yes, we understand that we confused Jared Simmons as a member of the Hammerskin Nation, one of the most violent neo-Nazi Skinhead gangs in the…
TUCKER, Ga. — Punk Ollie Boyer turned around a framed photo on his nightstand last night of punk rock icon and notoriously judgemental dude Henry…
MILWAUKEE — Sound Engineer Quintin Hafner purchased a large-format DiGiCo S31 Digital Mixer yesterday, but was unable to fit the board into his ’89 Honda…
ORLANDO, Fla. — Local medical supply salesman Elliot Harrison’s recent haircut was immediately noticed this morning by coworkers with seemingly nothing else to talk about,…
CHULA VISTA, Calif. — Partygoer Todd Horne attempted to engage the rest of the crew moments ago in a round of “Jeff-based shit talk,” despite…
This is all a bit confusing but hopefully we’ll be able to explain what happened and the Peace Corps will release us and help us…
NEW YORK — Shortly after telling responding officers they’d never see him again, bank robber Austin Linders embarrassingly found himself last night fleeing the scene…
OCEAN SPRINGS, Miss. — Local musician Kevin Masterson proposed to his girlfriend Christine Sitner yesterday with a $200 engagement ring, using the traditional three months’…
BANGOR, Maine — Mayor Chesty the French Bulldog enacted a city-wide ban today on fireworks ahead of Independence Day festivities, citing public safety concerns, environmental…
BROOKLYN — Casual sex enthusiast Steve Searcy revealed today that his recent Tinder date Monica Preston seemed to have “more of a Bumble thing going…