AUSTIN, Texas. — Democratic Presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke reportedly ate his sherpa last night following a treacherous table climb at an Austin BBQ restaurant, horrified…
HUDSON, N.Y. — Local mother Mallory Kerner called her daughter Jenna this morning, shortly after texting to see whether or not Jenna had already listened…
GREENVILLE, S.C. — A black T-shirt frequently worn by local punk Ryan Matheson entered the “vaguely green” era of its life cycle after a standard…
OXNARD, Calif. — Local gentleman Jay Deme impressed his new girlfriend Lisa Traynor last night by politely opening up a mosh pit for her to…
MEMPHIS — Classic reality TV series Ghost Hunters and To Catch A Predator aired a primetime crossover event earlier this week, during which they entrapped…
MACON, Ga. — Pro-life activist Kevin Hudson completed paperwork today to change his legal birthday to nine months earlier than it was, to the date…
Dear Scabby: Weed makes me shit. Drinking expensive beer also makes me shit. Should I give up? -OUT OF TP WITH THE WORLD Dear Out…
BERKELEY, Calif. — Total dumbshit motherfucker Bobby Owens attempted to start a circle pit last night during local hardcore band Ripped Together’s obvious two-step groove,…
SAN DIEGO — Self-proclaimed “punk lawyer” Kelvin Rios lost his 100th consecutive case today, due to the fact he admittedly only knows three laws, multiple…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Following years of research and development, the average vegan ass is approaching a similar taste and texture to that of carnivores’ due…
STOCKTON, Calif. — A gentle reminder that Death Brain guitarist Bryant Patterson had already told the story he was about to tell last night failed…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Aspiring musician Evan Wohrman spent the majority of an hour yesterday weighing the pros and cons of bringing home a pair of…
Look, I’m just as pissed off about these billionaires controlling all the money as everybody else. And or course I want to eat the rich…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Hartfield Insurance sales representative Ernie Boisvert told his coworkers today that he is “…a bit of a musician himself,” apathetic sources…
Status Update Hijacked by Dad Wondering if You’re Coming Home for Mother’s Day
NORMAN, Okla. — A Facebook status update posted by Haute Sauce guitarist Julie Rice was hijacked today when her father “totally steamrolled” the comments section…