CARBONDALE, Ill. — Local punk Steve Friedmann is preparing himself for winter by installing heavy-duty, stainless steel snow chains on his nine-years-old high-top Chuck Taylors,…
Dear Scabby: My local punk venue™ just put up a sign that says “Girls Welcome.” Does this mean that I wasn’t welcome until a week…
PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of Ouija board players were visited by a punk member of the ether last night, who communicated that it was…
PHOENIX — Local woman Sam Werst determined yesterday that the Japanese film with English subtitles “The Son” is simply too difficult to follow while scrolling…
CHICAGO — Local small-batch chocolate maker Wayne Barnes, concerned that Detroit will complete an economic recovery before he can relocate there, launched a fundraising effort…
EL PASO, Texas — Baby New Year, the mythical personification of hope and change, was detained at the Mexican/American border by ICE agents late last…
As Americans, we hold the constitution sacred. However, America has changed so much since the constitution was written. Technological advancements and changing societal standards have…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A trash can located on the corner of Church and Spring St. gained sentience late last night due to a poorly…
SAN ANTONIO — Local concertgoer Tim Flinanski is two tandem stage dives away from certification for solo dives in accordance with recently enacted safety precautions,…
WASHINGTON — Scientists researching the life expectancy of punks now claim that the first punk to live a full 65 years has likely already been…
BETHLEHEM — A local show billed as “The Most Important Event in Human History” reportedly ended as a “total fucking bust,” thanks to a confusing…
NORTH POLE — Jolly Old Saint Nicholas admitted he was slightly irritated last week when his workshop was flooded by letters imploring him to visit…
NORTH POLE — Santa Claus shocked Christmas enthusiasts worldwide today by launching a Patreon campaign to fund his 2018 world tour, setting off speculation about…
First they they came for ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside,’ and I said nothing. Then they came for ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ and I…
ONEONTA, N.Y. — Patrons at punk venue The Station report that the only functioning fixture in the entire bathroom is local coke dealer Reese Wicker,…