SAN DIEGO — Daisey McKinley’s period asked her eyes and heart again this morning if they know when her white pants will be going on,…
Well, it happened. My girlfriend shaved both sides of her head which I assume makes us, and therefore me, bisexual. I’m no expert on modern…
VLADIVOSTOK, Russia — @DNCSorosTracker, one of the more successful Russian Twitter bots created to influence American elections, announced plans today to pursue a comedy career…
PONTIAC, Mich. — 55-year-old Juggalo Kevin “Klown Syndrome” Anderson is concerned young Juggalos won’t continue the positive Juggalo message created by his generation, sources close…
OI’ve had strong opinions about politics ever since I picked up a copy of the Dead Kennedys’ “Fresh Fruit and Rotting Vegetables.” The year was…
LONDON — Local steampunk Alexi Franklin was assaulted yesterday by fellow Pincham High classmate and noted steamjock Victor Gryphon, multiple witnesses confirmed. “He kept calling…
CHICAGO — Climatologists are blaming record-low temperatures for the steep decline in Year-Round Shorts-Guy populations, resulting in a massive shortage of exposed, hairy, mid-winter calves,…
NEW YORK — Progressive punk Otto Williams replaced the phrase “bum a cigarette” earlier today with “homeless person a cigarette” in an attempt to be…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — 13 ½-year-old punk Bailey Tolbert is in a “full-blown” midlife crisis, unsure what to do with the remaining years she has…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Alicia Lane is spending another long, slippery, water-soaked winter in her insufficiently winterized Doc Marten boots, friends close to the…
Enough is enough. When they came for my haircut (a slicked back undercut) I didn’t say anything. Yes, I know, it was a hitler youth…
AKRON, Ohio — Local punk and apparent millionaire Ryan Simpson paid $6 for Friday night’s sliding-scale admission for a show at the DIY venue The…
EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. — Vice-Principal of Eden Prairie High School Wayne McCarthy claimed this week that he can relate with some of his school’s more…
PHILADELPHIA — Guitarist Pete Leinbach reportedly stuck to his pre-planned list of “hit” anecdotes during a first, and likely last, romantic encounter at a bar…
WASHINGTON — Police officers broke up a rowdy Capitol Hill gathering early Saturday morning after receiving noise complaints from several neighbors, multiple sources report. “Shit,…