EARTH, Milky Way Galaxy — 2017 announced its resignation as our current year earlier today amidst numerous allegations of gross misconduct. “I’ve let a lot…
As someone who considers themselves to be an evolved being, I am well aware that social media addiction is a real problem. I’ve posted about…
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Local libertarian Peter Murphy faced off against and won a rousing debate last night against his radical, left-wing activist girlfriend who doesn’t…
MADISON, Wisc. — Local creep Leonard Finkle is under fire once again this week for his repeated and unprompted body positivity, this time regarding women’s…
NEW YORK — Local man Adam Lefler is increasingly nervous to check his 194 notifications on Facebook this morning after waking up extremely hungover, the…
RICHWOOD, W. Va. — Local punk Jesse Hallenbeck asked her family today what time Christmas dinner is supposed to go on at her grandma’s house…
SALEM, Mass. — The parents of goth teenager Thomas Sullivan are uncertain how to properly stuff their son’s fishnet Christmas stocking, sources close to the…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Greg and Marjorie Lamothe have begun the painstaking preparations for their son Jake, a philosophy major, to return home for the holidays,…
BALTIMORE — Infamous punk house “Crazz Manor” in Baltimore’s Waverly neighborhood was upgraded yesterday from a punk house to a crack house, drawing mixed reactions…
LA LUZ, N.M. — Zoe Rivas was reunited last night with her family’s premium cable subscription immediately upon returning to her parents’ house for a…
CINCINNATI — Local father and metalhead Conrad Dungy has forbidden his children from opening up any mosh pits until Christmas morning, sources close to the…
AMERICA — Americans across the nation are struggling to remember their previous holiday traditions as they prep for their first Christmas season after eight years…
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — Local man Mike Soder failed yesterday to share a reasonable conversation with his tattoo artist, running out of things to talk…
The holidays are a time for family togetherness and love, which is why I am filled with the unshakable grief that I must invite you…
It looks like fans of brand synergy will have to wait quite a while for their dream film to see the light of day. An…