BOSTON — Local woman Jenna Jenkins allegedly made uncomfortable small talk with herself yesterday while self-administering a haircut at home, sources making an embarrassing attempt…
PORTLAND — Anxious roommate Megan Styers allegedly adorned every door in her house with a post-it note bearing only the word “sorry,” “just in case…
PITTSBURGH — Local attorney and hair metal fanatic Rourke Caldwell asked a jury this morning to consider the “landmark case of Roth v. Hagar” when…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local musician Wes Feltus is allegedly receiving ill-placed sympathy from friends who assume his income came from playing music until the COVID-19…
LOS ANGELES — The hit animated sitcom “Family Guy” is celebrating 20 seasons this year as America’s top choice for something to have on in…
DORAL, Fla. — Professional swimwear model and University of Miami co-ed Sarah Nguyen has sadly found her countless attempts at friend-requesting new and interesting people…
CHAUNCEY, Ohio — 11-year-old Boy Scout Albie Tamari is reportedly just one cigarette away from earning the highly esteemed Nicotine Patch to add to his…
IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — The three-month-old and, until now, extremely sexually charged relationship between Tom Paulsey and Dawn Sunland finally de-escalated last night into watching…
VANCOUVER — Famed musician and celebrity interviewer Nardwuar the Human Serviette has nearly finished his quest to dump his scratched, broken, warped, or otherwise unplayable…
RACINE, Wisc. — Local woman Madison Kemper nearly reached her breaking point with Tinder last night after receiving yet another unsolicited fish pic, sources close…
LOS GATOS, Calif. — The remaining members of the outspoken nü-metal band Trapt are seeking an ill-informed bigot with cursory drumming ability to replace their…
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many times they mentioned false flag…
ARVADA, Colo. — Local guy Nathan Thorpe is having an “absolute fucking banner” year, thanks to his penchant for explaining the details of fast-paced current…
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic…
ANTIOCH, Calif. — Local punk Dom Medico realized yesterday that his so-called “glory days” that are now far in his rearview mirror were mostly boring…