IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the hair metal band Goldenrod while…
CARBONDALE, Ill. — Tired wife Ruby McDermott was reportedly “not in the mood” for sexual activity this evening, instead asking her husband to just lick…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Lily-Ann Greenaway is allowing a crust punk she met last week on a dating app to soak “for a day…
WASHINGTON — Pro-life fundamentalists are rejoicing today after controversial Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the judiciary, sources wondering what it…
LEXINGTON, Ky. — Ofc. Michael Skolnyk opened fire on a grand jury yesterday after they figuratively slapped him on the wrist for his history of…
CICERO, Ill. — Underpaid Target cashier and generally exhausted person Paolo Morte is considering getting into stealing goods from his place of employment after realizing…
PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a “humiliating” and “stomach-churning” audition tape…
STEVENS POINT, Wisc. — Undecided voters across the U.S. are racking their brains this week trying to decide whether to burn crosses or simply nail…
BAYAMÓN, Puerto Rico — At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López created and released an entire 49-minute prog-punk album in mere seconds…
CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local woman Denise Giorgeschi was “utterly shocked” yesterday after finding an mp3 file of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” downloaded…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local Lowe’s manager Darrell Winchester removed Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan from the store again last week after he spent hours…
NORFOLK, Va. — An extremely organized right wing terrorist group known as the “Norfolk Police Department” held an annual fundraising event yesterday to procure more…
NEW YORK — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek reportedly won .0005% custody of his children in a landmark hearing yesterday, according to leaked court documents and…
VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Life coach and retired engineer Howard Boyd was seen at the outdoor seating area of the Living Room Cafe on Sunday…
As I am a very clever and unique person, my favorite Christmas movie is, of course, totally non-traditional. But I’m not talking about some plebeian…