BALTIMORE — Local punk and wannabe anarchist Kevin Tomlin was upset to discover being an anarchist would require community involvement and not just make him…
Move over, Christian Bale. There’s a way more method-y actor in Hollywood, and it’s none other than 2021’s Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards nominee for Favorite…
NAMPA, Idaho — A punk house dispute over fixing a carbon monoxide detector was abruptly resolved after every single resident passed out at once, lightheaded…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Maddie Conyard tied her beloved tour van to a tree and shot it yesterday after it suffered a broken axle,…
SEATTLE — Aging punk Tia Cantor was reportedly thrilled with the “life changing” new shoe inserts she received as a 40th birthday present, sources confirmed.…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local Vampire Weekend fan Archie Poole felt betrayed, confused, and saddened this week after hearing the music of his so-called “favorite band”…
FREDERICK, Md. — Amateur skateboarder and recovering alcoholic Jude Gannon achieved a longstanding career goal of acquiring a sponsor in the form of an Alcoholics…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Somewhat popular spokesmutant the Noid returned from self-imposed isolation which immediately resulted in newly leaked emails surrounding Pizzagate allegations, confirmed sources…
NEW YORK — Ted Mosby launched a cannabis brand this week called Archi-THC, which boasts it will make every user more of a whiny, self-pitying,…
CINCINNATI — Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed serious concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running…
CHICAGO — Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police…
DENVER — Local woman Caitlin Baker recently celebrated her fully vaccinated status by dropping her dating standards to an all-time low, concerned friends and family…
LOS ANGELES — Veteran musician and Alkaline Trio founder Matt Skiba reportedly wishes he hadn’t gotten a prominent tattoo of his former band when he…
BIKINI BOTTOM― Longtime cashier Squidward Tentacles is the lead suspect in a mass shooting at the Krusty Krab which left one employee dead and a…
CHICAGO — Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking…