PHILADELPHIA — The entire punk scene of Philadelphia resolved today that promoter, producer, and overall pillar of the scene Stevie Bryant is “completely unbookable,” hushed…
Government oppression has tightened its grip on our nation. The signs pointing to fascism’s rise have never loomed greater. The Trump administration, with their unscrupulous…
WASHINGTON — Scientists at the Gibson Institute of Environmental Studies issued a stunning new report yesterday, claiming the devastating effects of climate change could mean…
RICHMOND, Va. — Small-time weed dealer Joel Dilts confirmed today that he knew the crisp $50 bill he received yesterday from a regular customer for…
In the event that there are any marine biologists, firearm experts, or, I dunno, active coast guard members reading this, we need help NOW. Earlier…
HILO, Hawaii — Active volcano Mauna Loa retracted it’s strict “virgins only” policy last week and is now open to accepting sacrifices of people who…
TACOMA, Wash. — The funeral for moderately popular local musician Adam Klein was rather well-attended despite being held on a Tuesday night, sources who waited…
ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local folk-punk band Monte and the Paupers surprised themselves last week, accidentally booking a gig that would actually pay them for their…
FLATWOODS, Ky. — Local woman and sloppy-wasted friend Kara Stanley offered a play-by-play account moments ago of the “absolute ass-kicking” she would’ve given that dude…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local concertgoer Sam Byrne watched the entirety of Knife Rat’s set last night through the gauged ear of the man in…
HOUSTON — Houston Roughnecks quarterback P.J. Walker turned heel earlier today by hitting several teammates with a steel chair and then ripping off his jersey…
WASHINGTON — Local anarchist and socially awkward person Cynthia Mejia paced outside of The World Bank for nearly two hours this morning, unsure how and…
FOUNTAIN HILLS, Ariz. — Totally jacked local man Chris Wilkins reportedly spent years preparing his body for retribution on his high school bully Darren Tyler,…
DAVIS, Calif. — Heavy metal band Despised Torture performed a destructive and dangerous set yesterday at The Velvet Cow, leaving the venue in disarray despite…
WASHINGTON — Legendary metal band Gwar asked the staff of NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert series if “they were ready to get their assholes ripped open”…