NAPERVILLE, Ill. — 26-year old DIY punk and scene fixture Jax Williamson will use dental floss to fix almost anything other than their oral hygiene and gum health, intrigued but disgusted sources confirm.
“I got into floss because someone told me to use it to put patches on my jacket, because of how much stronger it is than thread. I just fell in love with it after that,” said Williamson, whose gums started to bleed due to the friction of their lips while talking. “I’ve used it to fix pants, keep my dog’s leash attached to his collar, and even fix a leak in my kitchen sink… but never in my mouth. Yeah, I’ve tried it a couple of times, but it just felt like I was jamming a live wire between my teeth, which was not cool.”
Rachel Stewart, a longtime friend of Williamson, was unsurprised by the self-diagnosis.
“Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve never seen them brush their teeth, either — and they’ve crashed at my place after we’ve been out drinking a couple of times in the last year,” said Stewart. “I figured it was just one of those things they didn’t do because they were drunk… you know, like how sometimes you pass out with your boots on? It’s getting gross, though: last time we had corn on the cob, there was so much blood it looked like a scene from a horror movie.”
Experts — namely, Williamson’s dentist and father, Dr. Brian Williamson — expressed a great deal of frustration with Jax’s dental hygiene.
“They ‘think’ they ‘might’ have gum disease? No, I told Jax it’s a guarantee they have gum disease, and they need to floss starting yesterday if they want a full mouth of teeth by age 40,” said Dr. Williamson. “I don’t know what the deal is with pretending they don’t have access to adequate healthcare, but you’d better believe I’m going to give them a piece of my mind as soon as they get home for their mother’s birthday.”
Jax has since confirmed they will not adopt a stronger dental hygiene routine, as they are confident their father and dentist will fix their teeth free of charge, regardless.