ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local man and alleged “Dove Soap-loving jagoff” Dan Paulson thinks he’s “king shit of hygiene town” all because he wakes up early enough before work to shower each morning, slightly pungent sources confirmed.
“My friends were getting on my case because I work a regular office job and I’ve never wiped my ass with a beach towel I found in the woods — that’s when I accidentally let it slip that I shower every day,” said Paulson. “They started calling me ‘your highness’ and ‘Captain Shower’ and asking if I wash my plates before I reuse them, too. Apparently I’m considered a ‘lace curtain fuck’ because I never got athlete’s foot so bad it made a dermatologist vomit.”
Friend Tamantha Kramer explained how Paulson’s regular showers are just the latest example of him “big-timing.”
“Well, if it isn’t Mr. fucking Clean, here to grace us with his pleasant aromas and freshly scrubbed balls. La-dee-freaking-da,” said Kramer. “He thinks he’s so great just because he’s never been forcibly deloused. What’s he showering every day for, anyway? It’s like, you ain’t the queen of England, bro. And you know, technically, I shower every day too: assuming a ‘whore’s bath’ in the Dress Barn bathroom counts as a shower.”
However, Paulson’s coworker Ernest Webb stressed that despite showering before every shift, Paulson was far from sanitary.
“Woah, woah, woah — wait a minute. So Dan showering everyday makes him the pinnacle of cleanliness? And on top of that, his friends are making fun of him for it? What kind of Pigpen from ‘Peanuts’ bullshit is this?” said Webb. “Dan is far from ‘clean.’ I once caught him eating a can of corn with his bare hands and using the water cooler to wash off. And I realize he thinks being vegan means he’s incapable of producing body odor, but speaking as someone who works three cubicles away, the dude needs some goddamn Old Spice.”
Paulson has since been excommunicated from his friend group after admitting he knows what a Waterpik is, even though he doesn’t own one.