ANCHORAGE, Alaska — Local 14-year-old Colton Blewitt resisted the urge to tell his father he loved him today, fearing the declaration might be perceived as a homosexual advance, the young man privately confirmed.
“Like, um… I don’t know. It’s just, like… I do love him, but I can’t tell him that. It would be super weird,” said the high school sophomore. “If I said that to him, what’s next? Having him openly support my creative projects, or just knowing how to name the things I’m feeling? No thanks. I’m just going to push all my emotions down into my stomach and hope for the best.”
Colton’s father Charles Blewitt is similarly reserved with his affection.
“I used to say ‘I love you’ to the boy all the time, but that was all before he was two years old. Once he could walk, I taught him about stuff we couldn’t talk about — like how to gut a fish, and which sports teams to root for,” said a stone-faced Mr. Blewitt. “Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I said ‘I love you’ to anyone but our dog Sadie. That’s a good canine, right there. Throwing sticks with her really helped me not deal with the loss of my own pops.”
Leading child psychologist Dr. Sam Carey insisted, however, that this is not the way a family should operate.
“Jesus fucking Christ, it is 2019. Loving your father doesn’t make you ‘gay,’ and telling your kid you love him doesn’t ‘turn’ him gay. Honestly, I was hoping we might finally be close to a future where young men didn’t express themselves by being complete assholes to everyone around them. Do we need to make pamphlets about this?” said Dr. Carey. “Clearly, the toxic cycle of men being afraid of their emotions is alive and well. Maybe these two need to go on a camping trip where they realize sitting silently by a fire is more painful than actually talking to each other.”
At press time, the younger Blewitt was disposing of a handwritten letter telling his father how much he appreciates him, instead opting for a simple “For Dad” post-it on his gift of another mini-screwdriver set for the fifth Father’s Day in a row.