BECKLEY, W. Va. — Recent Philidelpia transplant Abigail Kingaby is currently making rounds to visit several friends, all buried among local graveyards, during a trip back to her opiate-ravaged hometown, according to sources.
“Going home is always nice, because I get to check in with my parents and sort of just revisit old haunts and whatnot… but I don’t have a map of where everyone is buried, so catching up with the old crew can get a little stressful. Especially if it’s a quick visit,” Kingaby stated. “Luckily, if I get too anxious, I can pop into some walk-in and get a fuck-ton of Dilaudid or something since they hand that shit out like Tic Tacs. Actually, I think it might actually be easier to get than Tic Tacs — the mixed fruit ones, anyway.”
Despite the tight visitation schedule set aside for this trip home, Kingaby is down to her last two graveyards of overdosed friends to check in on before leaving.
“I can usually hit up all three of the Mikes for breakfast since they’re in nearby plots, but lunch is kinda tough because about half of my old friends are buried over at Sunset… but then there’s a still a good handful at Blue Ridge. I might not get to fit everyone in this time,” Kingaby said. “I’ve gotten this down to a pretty tight routine lately, but my friend Becca’s doctor got her on Oxys right away after she sprained her ankle at work, so that’s one more stop I gotta make this time.”
Experts who have “honestly lost count” of the friends they’ve lost agree that Kingaby’s visitation approach is sad, but efficient.
“Catching up with friends used to take all weekend, but as long as this shit keeps getting overprescribed, dope stays cheaper on the street, and insurance companies refuse to cover more than like, three days in detox, you’ll be in and out in a few hours,” says dope-infested hometown visitation expert Marcus Brooks. “Just so long as an area doesn’t get into that harm reduction nonsense… in which case, you might still have living people left to visit, which can take all day. And they just want to show your pictures of their ugly children anyway.”
At press time, what few living friends Kingaby has left in her hometown are expected to begin their slow, over-prescribed descent to their own graveyards, which Kingaby hopes are “at least kind of by the highway.”