PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Matt Neally, the bassist of Deceit, is reportedly 3,000 nautical miles south of the Equator in the southern Atlantic Ocean and allegedly en route to the Far East, following his departure from the stage during last Friday’s show at Lupo’s Heartbreak Hotel.
The 24-year-old Neally, who, for his birthday, had asked his parents for a wireless system because “all of the other bands on last year’s Ernie Ball stage had them,” began his expedition like any other in his mid-show tradition — walking up to female coworkers who had reluctantly attended the show and ironically pretending to pour his soul into the three notes comprising the bassline of “For You” a mere 10 minutes into the band’s set.
Attendees report, however, that instead of returning to the stage after showing off how many 360 spins he could do, Neally simply kept walking — past the crowd, through the bar, and out the front door of the venue, all without even a crackle from his “sweet” new wireless system.
As of Thursday evening, shipping vessels approximately 600 n.m. south of Tristan da Cunha reportedly spotted Neally on a makeshift raft. Eyewitnesses on those vessels reported hearing a standard 1-5-6-4 chord progression followed by a slide on a low E string, suggesting Neally was perfectly in time with his bandmates, now in Hartford, Conn., performing “This Letter” off of last year’s Nothing & Nobody 7”. Showgoers in Hartford on Thursday confirmed a clean, crisp bass tone emanated from Neally’s unattended amplifier.
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Based on Neally’s present course, shipping magnates in both Greece and the Netherlands speculate the former barista may have identified an expedited route between the Americas and India, as traditional shipping lanes would have placed him almost 1,000 n.m. northeast of his location on Thursday. They warn, however, that the next few days may be harrowing for him, as his current trajectory places him at the Horn of Africa (a notoriously popular spot for pirate attacks) at the same time as his band’s show in Worcester, Mass. on Saturday.