GENEVA — Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research discovered yesterday that Iron Maiden’s 8:46-long “Brighter Than a Thousand Suns” contains a surprisingly decent…
WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes was the closest thing the…
IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the hair metal band Goldenrod while…
SEATTLE — Perpetually single man Conner Turner ruined a promising first date last Friday when he brought up the infamous Norwegian Black Metal one-man solo…
PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal…
SEATTLE — Dedicated grandfather and unapologetic metalhead Lyle Makowski carved the names of his two grandsons, Henry and Mitchell, on his forearm last week, shocked…
MILWAUKEE — A feral hair-metal band identifying itself as Twisted Sister broke into the home of and terrorized a local family yesterday, ultimately leaving the…
LONDON — Researchers at the London Institute of Hard Rock released new scientific findings today that suggest some British proto-metal bands were capable of starting…
QUEENS, N.Y. — Aging metalhead Greg “Nailgun” Dellarose has replaced the patches on his battle vest with his important, personal health information, including known allergies…
Anyone who’s ever been to a wedding can tell you the music is the main attraction. That’s why I poured a significant amount of research…
If Jimi Hendrix opened the door to what could be done on an electric guitar, Eddie Van Halen split-kicked that door in. This led to…
Listen babe, no one in this scene is a bigger ally than me. When news breaks about a band member’s sexual misconduct with their female…
Curses! Here I am trying to enjoy a live-streamed performance from Cradle of Filth, my beloved purveyors of gothic metal darkness, and wouldn’t you know…
CLEVELAND — Cleveland School of the Arts Principal and metalhead educator Ryan Donnavin sent home 7th grader Alex Ramirez yesterday for wearing a Metallica shirt…
LONDON — Heavy metal legends Iron Maiden have launched a limited edition vintage wine, “The Number of the Yeast,” which boasts widely different flavor profiles,…