HATTIESBURG, Miss. — Local poser Justin Lindsey listed several brands of protein bars last night after multiple members of the hardcore scene asked him to name some of his favorite bands, according to somewhat impressed eyewitnesses.
“Oh yeah, man. Um… Terror. Turnstile…uhh,” Lindsey stated, clearly struggling to name even three existing hardcore bands. “Man, there’s so many hardcore bands I like, I can’t even think of any! It’s like my brain is overloaded with names or something. I can hardly even narrow it down to one subgenre, let alone name even one more band, you know what I mean?”
Having quickly run out of bands he’s heard of, Lindsey was forced to think on his feet, doing whatever it took to avoid being called out by what appeared to be a suspicious crew.
“I been getting into some new Bay Area shit too, man. Um… Builder, Quest… One. Only What You Need is some killer straightedge shit, and Clif is pretty sick, too,” Lindsey explained, while looking toward a nearby Planet Fitness. “And you guys ever heard of LÄRA? I think they’re from Sweden or something — female-fronted, super screamy and shit. Fucking brutal. They might be on Bandcamp, but I don’t know. I only have their demo on cassette, which they gave to me when they stayed at my place a few weeks back.”
An eye witness recalled the “cringey, at best” display that took place before her eyes just moments ago.
“That was pretty rough to watch, but I gotta say, he powered through it like a champ. I don’t think those other guys even noticed he was naming was food and not bands,” noted local punk Jesse Taggert. “If anyone asked what one of them sounded like, he would just say something like ‘early Bane’ and they wouldn’t really push it.”
“Plus, that’s kind of a lot of protein bars to just rattle off the top of your head like that,” she added. “Dude must work out a shit-ton or work at a grocery store or something.”
At press time, Lindsey and those questioning him had formed a hardcore band of their own, with the names Vega, COMBATCRUNCH, and xChocolatexSaltedxCaramelxPurexProteinx among the top names the group is considering.