HOUSTON — Locked-down towns across America are seeing record levels of citizens dressing up as famed frontman Glenn Danzig following months of little to no…
LOS ANGELES — Local caregiver Sheila Hart apologized to the patrons and staff at the Van Nuys Party City earlier today after a person under…
BAYAMÓN, Puerto Rico — At the Drive-In and The Mars Volta guitarist Omar Rodríguez-López created and released an entire 49-minute prog-punk album in mere seconds…
It’s 2020. The country is divided, the world is on fire, and a pop-punk album is topping the charts. At least one of these things…
CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their forthcoming album, sources fond of…
Hey there, little guy. I’m your uncle, John, but everyone calls me Bonez. So… what colors you like? Nothing? Okay then, what’s your favorite Disney…
PHOENIX — 45-year-old punk rocker and local senior accountant Danny Rogers was spotted yesterday afternoon circling the “A” on a weekly PNL report during a…
PHOENIX — 40-something-year-old Jason Deluca has reportedly based his entire personality and lifestyle around a two-year period of his 20s in which he was deeply…
BOSTON — Local straight edger Pete Westpan is generally apathetic about National Edge Day falling on a Saturday this year, witnesses who thought he’d be…
LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Dunklin secretly hopes his Tinder date Melissa Chavez doesn’t notice he lied about being Glenn Danzig on his dating…
BETHESDA, Md. — White House officials were alarmed this morning after President Donald Trump discovered a presumed threat to “Get Dead” when scrolling through his…
NORWALK, Conn. — Local punk and low-ranking member of his friend group Brandon Smith is reportedly completely unaware of his status in the hierarchical structure…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong awakened from a sleep-filled September to the unbelievable news that President Donald Trump and First Lady…
CLEVELAND — Moderators for 2020’s first Presidential debate reportedly added a question regarding an issue that’s been hotly contested since the early/mid-2000s: What defines “real”…
COSTA MESA, Calif. — Slightly tipsy local mom Candace Webber keeps dropping not-so-subtle hints that she fucked The Offspring singer Dexter Holland in the ‘90s,…