MILWAUKEE — Local punk Doug Reece is surprised and deeply troubled that he has lived long enough for his metabolism to decrease so significantly, according…
BALTIMORE — Local frontman Dave Kuenen of hardcore band Hammer & Nail is under scrutiny today for allegedly cheating on his long-term diet with an…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Old-school punk and the woman you call “Grandma,” Ophelia “Snotcock” Dillon, noticed you no longer come by to borrow her van for…
PHILADELPHIA — Adam Lyons, the lead singer of local band Krawlspace, was deeply offended yesterday after finding a kill-list written by a deranged super-fan with…
We here at The Hard Times have always been fascinated with the thought experiment that if you give a monkey a typewriter and an infinite…
CARSON CITY, Nev. — 63-year-old punk Ardith “Ardie” Keith cannot believe you haven’t heard of obscure local band Frankie and The Pussies, who broke up…
REVERE, Mass. — Misguided 43-year-old street punk Martin “Peanut” Landers announced today that he will be upping his cigarette intake to help himself lose 15…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — A fuzzy little punk roommate known only as “Banjo” twitched adorably in his sleep yesterday, presumably dreaming that he was running away…
ATHENS, Ga. — Record store clerk Jimmy Taylor, well-liked by customers for his attentiveness, knowledge of music, and generally affable nature, was fired yesterday by…
CONCORD, Calif. — Local punk couple James Paulson and Maria Overholt admitted last night in front of friends and family that although they are proud…
HOUSTON — Self-proclaimed “bad boy of outer space” Willis McReady cost the National Aeronautics and Space Administration approximately $3.4 million last week, cutting the sleeves…
STAFFORD, Texas — 59-year-old custom bathroom tile salesman John Canales was shocked to learn from his punk son yesterday that he would be 413 in…
TRENTON, N.J. — Part-time dad and full-time punk Cody Heckyls discovered yesterday, when seeking flu remedies for his two-year-old son, that Pedialyte offers a kid-friendly…
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. — Local punks and new parents Desi Stark and Darion Foster look forward to using their newborn baby Shea as the perfect…
BERKELEY, Calif. — A small town in the East Bay region of California is still completely devastated and covered in excrement more than 25 years…