TUKWILA, Wash. — Tukwila musicians of all genres are mourning today after the town’s only competent drummer, Jeffrey Joyce, announced last night his intention to play guitar full time, heartbroken witnesses confirmed.
“Well, I guess that’s it. It’s all over without him,” said Daria Sparks, lead singer of indie rock band The Suede Connection. “With Jeff moving up to the front of the stage, that’s essentially the end of four hardcore bands, six punk bands, one ska band, one ska-punk band, an experimental noise group, and two indie bands, including my own. This is the worst thing to happen since we lost our only music venue.”
Tukwila musicians, frantically hunting for a replacement, have reportedly begun shuffling band members to temporarily fill the void.
“I don’t know what the fuck a paradiddle is, and I’m not about to fucking learn,” said Kara Dearborn, the former bass player and reluctant new drummer of the Cherry Pits. “I can’t do it — all our songs have the same rhythm. You can’t ask an artist to keep tapping out the same pattern, two hours a night. Jeff needs to sack up and get back behind his kit.”
Experts say the loss of Joyce threatens to end the scene altogether, noting that Tukwila’s once fertile garages and basements have barely hung on since Benny Lang, another local drummer, took a job working nights at a nearby Olive Garden.
“I think this’ll be great,” said Joyce, purchasing new gear at a Guitar Center in Renton. “I played drums for years and I never got noticed. Last summer, I played a battle of the bands, and no one congratulated me — even though my bands got first, second and fourth place. I just want people to appreciate me for my craft.”
Not all of Joyce’s peers abandoned him, however. Tyler Scott, singer of fellow impacted band The Dream Supply, supported his friend’s decision after running into him at Guitar Center.
“Honestly, I’m just glad he’s actually here, buying a guitar,” said Scott. “When I was a kid in my first band, my parents told me that our drummer Kyle was going to ‘focus on guitar in a band on a farm upstate.’ I found out a couple years later that he actually got hit by a bus.”
“Of course I’m sad, but you know when you get a drummer, that one day they’ll break your heart,” Scott added. “I’m just grateful to have had the time with him that I did.”