LAWRENCE, Mass. — Local woman Sasha Carter discovered yesterday that she was the subject of a breakup song written by a man whom she casually dated months before, friends close to the apparent muse confirmed.
“My friend Chloe said she saw this weird guy, who I hung out with a few times, play a show where he debuted some song about what he called ‘the latest in a series of hopeless heartbreaks,’” said Carter. “The guy always smelled like he’d been boiling potatoes, so I sort of ghosted him. Anyway, apparently he played a song called ‘Sweet Sasha’ and it was pretty obviously about how I broke his heart… which is weird, since I don’t think we hung out long enough for him to learn my last name.”
Carter allegedly met forlorn songwriter Neil Colter at a party several months ago, and after attending a showing of “Toy Story 4” with several mutual friends, the two reportedly spent the night together and went out for several lunches in the subsequent weeks.
“Sasha Carter tore my heart out and ripped it into pieces every time she didn’t return one of my texts,” said Colter, frontman of pop-emo trio Dying Memories. “We had something really special. I fucking told her about how I hate being cheated on or betrayed… and then, she betrayed me. And I heard she cheated on me, too. It never fucking ends. But, whatever — that’s just the fuel I need to keep writing lyrics.”
Colter’s song is merely the latest in a long line of exaggerated breakup songs throughout the history of recorded music.
“You’d be shocked by how many musicians are just weird creeps who blow things out of proportion,” said music historian Samantha Beckett. “In fact, Bob Dylan wrote the ‘Blood on the Tracks’ album about a flight attendant he thought he’d built a rapport with on a flight. And most of the love songs Buddy Holly wrote were about women he saw in Sears catalogs.”
At press time, Colter was working on a new song, trying to remember the name of that place he and Carter went for lunch that one time.