Smash. The. Patriarchy. As we exit 2019 and enter the new roaring ‘20s it’s time to dispel the myth that a cis white male can be kind or generous. We need to reinvent Santa to reflect the values of our generation. The future is female and Santa should be too!
Oh, and he should have like friggin huge jugs and like a cool ass sword that does magic and shit.
When we strip away the antiquated notion of gender as a defining attribute, what really defines Santa is a spirit of giving and nurturing. Santa represents the maternal. What better way to symbolize this than huge cans? Like Taki from Soulcalibur, but more firm.
As a male feminist I fully support the push to make Santa female and, as an artist, I have some pretty sexy ideas. She’s gonna be a real hellcat. First off, ditch the big red coat. It doesn’t show off enough skin! If Santa is going to be a woman, she’s gonna a woman who’s proud of her body and not afraid of showing it off in micro bikini in December. Oh yeah, she knows what she’s doing.
Oh, you think a micro bikini doesn’t make sense for a character who lives in the north pole? Well then you underestimate how tough women are! Plus, MY Santa doesn’t live in the north pole, she lives in post apocalypse neo Tokyo.
In fact, we should probably do away with the whole gift giving thing altogether. It’s boring. What good is a sack full of presents against the hordes of radioactive zombies crawling all over neo Tokyo? It’s time to upgrade! Let’s swap that old bag for a zombie slaying sword powered by sex mana. And holiday cheer or whatever.
May hot chick zombie killing Santa teach our children about the miracle of Christ’s birth and the glory of his love for generations to come. Amen and God bless.