ARLINGTON, Va. — Punk lifers Jessica Greene and Mark Wallace set a new standard for punk baby names when they welcomed their healthy daughter, Mark/Jessica…
TAMPA, Fla. — Local police officer Stan Barton has entered his sixth consecutive hour at Royal Ink Tattoo Studio, brainstorming the best way to cover…
SUGAR LAND, Texas — New homeowner and devoted metalhead Eric Bronson replaced the out-of-date shag carpet in his living room yesterday, installing a fresh layer…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local jokester Jeff Kessler’s impersonation of acclaimed actor Chistopher Walken last night was met with stunned silence, as it was somehow profoundly insensitive…
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stacy’s mom is hot as shit. I’ve heard; you’ve heard; the entire world has heard. And they’re not wrong. Nothing captures the…
PHILADELPHIA — Local pop-punk band The Dysentery Garys have left Philadelphia, dejectedly returning to their hometown of Botsford, Conn., in the wake of venue shutdowns…
Being a socialist means I believe in income equality, universal healthcare, and affordable housing, but it sure as fuck doesn’t mean I can’t watch reruns…
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cop and racist bully Dennis Peters, who once brought a gun to Roosevelt High School in 10th grade, is now employed…
I live a simple life. I own a small emporium where I sell lithographs to the good folk of this here small seaside town. Even…
SANTE FE, N.M. — A coworker you loathed with every fiber of your being strutted around your funeral yesterday telling everyone you were “the greatest…
CHICAGO — Local woman Lilly Choi’s depression has devolved to the point that she has stopped looking behind the shower curtain for murderers before going…
ADDISON, Texas — Addison Fellowship Community Church parishioners are lamenting allowing local metal band Cryptic Martyr to use their sanctuary for the band’s new music…
ELMHURST, N.Y. — New York City Sheriff’s deputy Deandra Washington ceremoniously took a knee with the tenants of a local apartment last night before forcing…
Well, this is officially the worst interview we’ve ever done. With Trump sending federal officers to major cities, we thought the edgy thing to do…