Alright, now. Listen to me. You all know me, or at least, you know my reputation. You know how I make my living. This man…
NEW HOPE, Pa. — Local straight man Scott Stevenson was spotted acting weirdly jealous around lesbian woman and acquaintance at best, Samantha Rux, at a…
We Look Back at All of Our Past Failures Because We Just Spilled a Full Beer Goddammit What the Fuck
We Look Back at All of Our Past Failures Because We Just Spilled a Full Beer Goddammit What the Fuck
It’s been a good thirty-odd years of screw-ups, so now seems like as good a time as any to review them in inscrutable detail because…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Progressive metal band Knight Vision announced they are accepting applications from medieval studies majors for a summer internship offering practical application of…
DUCKBURG, Calisota — Multi-billionaire businessfowl Scrooge McDuck is questioning his decision to convert his wealth to cryptocurrency after realizing he would not be able to…
Alright, now I’m starting to get skeptical. I went in here to take a piss during this Battle of the Bands and, while the facilities…
HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid consultant for multinational oil and…
Studies show pets often take on the characteristics and habits of their owners. Okay, well if that’s true, then my cat Fruit Punch should appreciate…
SASKATOON — Violence nearly erupted following an argument between a local Canadian and a visiting metalhead over the cultural origins of the denim vest, moderately…
DENVER — Local man Ian Vernor horrified his roommates yesterday by inauspiciously sniffing his pointer and middle fingers, recoiling in muted disgust, then thrusting his…
STUDIO CITY, Calif. — Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio…
The term “toxic masculinity” gets tossed around pretty casually these days but, for good reason. We are living in a society where men have to…
RIDGEWOOD, N.Y. — Local creep Lance Weems narrowly squeezed past two women at a limited capacity venue last night despite having plenty of walking room…
Everybody just be cool, okay?! The doors are locked and chained from the outside, and nobody is leaving this blackbox venue until you all get…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local tattoo enthusiast Ben Drury admitted that the meaning behind a large tattoo of a viking skeleton throwing a fireball currently being…