PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sam Allister’s life built entirely on doing things out of spite for the extreme bitterness of this fucked world is actually…
The world is on fire. World economies rise and fall constantly. Pandemics rage, angry mobs overrun capitols, the oceans fill with toxins. In this historically…
HARRISONBURG, Va. — Lifelong fan of outlaw country music Chris Harper is also a fervent supporter of law enforcement in all its forms, going as…
Hey I really hope you’re doing alright, seriously I am so sorry for your loss. If there is anything I can do, please let me…
LOS ANGELES — Hate speech enthusiast Chris Taylor Brown and his disesteemed nu-metal band Trapt are reportedly offering $35 to anyone who requests them on…
Building trust in a relationship takes time. But I work 60 hours a week and time is money, which is why I’ve decided that going…
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Self-proclaimed author of the next great American novel Frank Trotsky recently came to the terrible realization that his “rock bottom” was going…
Astrology is pretty much the only thing on everyone’s mind nowadays. Unfortunately everyone kind of just gives in to the zodiac hand they’ve been dealt…
SAN ANTONIO — Multi-instrumentalist Eli “Smudge” Goodwin threw the entire local folk-punk scene into disarray when he tried to make ends meet by pawning his…
HEAVEN — Local benevolent being, God, ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting…
The other morning I woke up and was just in one of those moods where I was unwilling to try at all. I didn’t shower,…
BEND, Ore. — Local second grader Kevin Wood spent a day home sick from school and inadvertently imprinted on game show host Drew Carey as…
NASHVILLE — Local woman and occasional defecator Ingrid Fowler was shocked and alarmed to discover her boyfriend’s bathroom had just a few flimsy strands of…
Being from New Jersey is a personality trait, we get it. You think you’re special because you’ve never pumped your own gas and will physically…
HONOLULU — Local punk Joseph Green is looking forward to finally hanging out with friends in the alley during shows again now that the city…