TROMAVILLE, N.J. — Local woman Daisy Oliynyk finally realized yesterday following a breakthrough in therapy that she is in a relationship with the Toxic Avenger,…
America is being destroyed by the liberal elite and it makes me absolutely sick. And it would’ve made my dad sick, too. After all, he…
CHICAGO — Local music aficionado Jeff Riley stands accused today of repeatedly sending unsolicited band recommendations to multiple irritated acquaintances, local authorities report. “This asshole…
We had the opportunity to talk with Mastodon and get the nitty-gritty of what they had to deal with getting up during the Pleistocene Epoch.…
MURRAY, Utah — Card-carrying member of both the NRA and Costco’s premium membership Greg Young was forced to leave the bulk-grocery chain this past Wednesday,…
Boy, is my life in shambles these days. I just got promoted to district manager of Omega Printz and it’s been a huge disaster. Not…
MASPETH, N.Y. — Skull Valley frontman Jeremy Cesiro is worried his underage girlfriend would be put in danger by her returning to high school in…
Like most Americans, we spent our time quarantined catching up on podcasts, learning to cook (shoutout my sourdough starter), and plotting how to get back…
WASHINGTON — Republicans across the nation are reckoning with a party-wide fissure over whether pineapple is a suitable topping for bootlicking, sending think-tanks everywhere scrambling…
VENICE, Calif. — Suicidal Tendencies frontman Mike Muir horrified visitors at the boardwalk yesterday when he took off his trademark bandana to wipe sweat from…
PORTLAND, Maine. — Local woman Dani Pineda has desperately hidden her humanity from her live-in boyfriend Aaron Adams by not shitting at all for the…
LONG BEACH, N.Y. — Veteran rocker Joan Jett is reportedly no longer in a committed, monogamous relationship with her longtime partner and genre Rock ‘N’…
AUSTIN, Texas — Gov. Greg Abbott signed a new, statewide law today that would mandate each Texan to do their part to stop the spread…
WARRENVILLE, Ill. — Local sixth grader Billy Luetzen suffered a crushing embarrassment yesterday after writing “Megadeath” instead of “Megadeth” on his math notebook, sources close…