MINNEAPOLIS — ‘90s alternative music darlings Marcy Playground revealed yesterday that their hit song “Sex and Candy” was more specifically about anal sex and candy…
TURNERSVILLE, N.J. — Teenage cannabis user Jared Luzinski was astonished to discover yesterday that ancient human beings once used fire to smoke, baffled sources confirmed.…
Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the federal government’s lack of response to a raging, totally…
LOS ANGELES — Indie powerhouse Phoebe Bridgers surprised fans yesterday by uploading a somber rendition of your grandmother’s most private final moments to Bandcamp at…
BROOKINGS, S.D. — Professional carpenter and terrible navigator Trevor Grainger is already beginning to regret allowing his overwhelming hubris to lead him to switch off…
WREXHAM, U.K. — Increasingly unhinged survivalist and television host Bear Grylls used a serrated, fixed-blade knife yesterday to cut open his mattress and climb inside…
SOUTHBURY, Conn. — Local urban legend The Southbury Slasher could not complete his annual killing spree last week when his chosen victims couldn’t have sex…
In these unchill times, bros worldwide have been leaning on their dudes extra hard to make sense of shit. Between mask mandates, flavored Juul pod…
DENVER — Local 39-year-old Justin Shaffer is struggling to describe his favorite band without using the often-maligned word “emo” to describe them, despite that being…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Guests attending the wedding of Michaela Hill and Carlos Gibson were forced to admit to themselves that the bride, far from…
TOLEDO, Ohio — Local crust punk Gabe Cox is tremendously worried that “radical left” gun control policies will result in his favorite accessory, a belt…
TRENTON, N.J. — Local man Todd Branford was very surprised yesterday by the extremist beliefs of his former college friend Madison Carlyle, last known to…
PORTLAND, Ore. — The local apartment complex Oakwood Estates is allegedly really liberal with their definition of the term “estates,” according to sources who took…